Peace

Monday August 29 2005
I find myself finally at peace, soul sitting upon a cloud by the rivers of tranquility. You see when the heart is given to another and this person begins to touch it in a cruel way, this action brings out the worst in me. And although you have not seen 'my' worst, it is there ; worst as in mental imagery of skinning the guilty alive, just to watch them die a slow painful death. The sutle innuendoes of dagger like emotiontional projection still emanates from her, she even went as far as describing the wonderful dinner with some man, as if thinking that would incite jealousy in me, but it did not, nor did I listen any differently to her as I would a stranger. I know that she knows that I know, and her manipulations don't affect me any longer. She wanted many hugs today, I gave them too her, but without the infusion of my feeling, and she felt this. Most of our relationship went without kisses from her; for it seemed they disgusted her, but this morning she beckoned my lips with hers, which I drew away from. I wear sackcloth and ashes; in the way of not bathing, nor taking much care of myself, I do this as a remermbarance of many bad decisions in life I have made, this relationship being yet another. I will fulfill my word. I will. For these type ones can not try to take that away from me. My integrity, and honor, which when these attributes do not fail, within it makes them angry. Like the bible says ' loving one that hates you is like raking hot coals upon there heads' this being so very true. To pick her up, I have been late twice in the last 5 weeks, her dad is sending her more money due to my incompetence; for a cab maybe. I wonder with what words and inflection she talks to others about me with. Does she lie a labryith of lies, so that she comes out on top, looking princess like, saving face before her friends. Or is it half lies and truth, just enough lies though to produce the same effect? Or does the truth really suit her mouth? I don't care any longer, for I know how I have acted, how I restrained myself, how I have done my best and acted with humility even when provoked, and for this I am proud of myself. I do speak truth, for I have observed it, and but am only rearticulating what time has witnessed. I am at peace, and she knows this, and it secretly bothers her, I can see it in her eyes, face, and mannerisms. I still wish her no ill, no matter what grotesqueness comes my way. I will still not stoop. It is over, with only time now to dissolve the memory. Goodbye as you fade with the setting sun, so that the morning dew can refresh my senses again. It is so interesting how we think that external circumstances or people affect us, when really it is only ourselves that allow this to be entered into us by these inflections of people or circumstances, either producing positive or negative feelings within ourselves, whether by 'letting' these things affect us the way they do or not. There have been some of my fiends who think I should just stop helping her. What of the good Samaritan? You see this Samaritan man came across a Jewish man; and the Jews hated the Samaritan at this time. Many of the mans own people passed by him, the Samaritan though came across him and had pity for him, paid for his stay at a lodge, his food, and his recovery. Now Jesus gave this parable in response to the disciples asking him; after his speech about treating others as your neihbors, who really is your nehbor. I think it very fitting this parable, for it shows that even people that hate us we should love, and have compassion for in there time of need. This does not mean that we let our minds and hearts be affected by these ones, only that we do not completely shun them from our being, by the use fo hatefulness, which stems from selfishness. That is, they hurt maliciously, so therefore due to that pain our perception and attitude to them will then be negative. This is not the way of light, but darkness. This is one of the most difficult things to do in life, that is to be like the Samaritan, and it is much deeper then just being kind to people, for like the bible says it is easy to love people who love you, but much harder to show love to those that don't.