Saturday, January 14, 2006

I need to continue with my art!!(Reminder to self)

"Universal Harmony"

I have finally produced something, it has been awhile, see 'notes to self' do work sometimes after all. It represents love, reason, and the minds eye, showing the mechanics of all these on the universal plain. Although it is not 'original', seeing how the images I used in the collage came from the "Open Directory Project", I then though applied 'intrinsically detailed graphic manipulations' to the individual pieces, applying them in layers to the whole. For four years now I have been using the GIMP to produce computer generated art, the gimp is derived from the LINUX platform. I have many 'originals', but have stopped for about a year now, for what I want to do I do not have the means to do at this time; that is to have paint, canvas, high quality cameras and lighting, computers to process and complile such massive data that comes from superb 'graphic artist', for they have to tools to 'fully' achieve what they perceive in there minds, but mostly I have grown bored of it 'right now'. It is true though that even now I could, but that means I would have to work harder to produce quality, seeing how the medium in which it is produced is not of high quality. Which means a 'web cam' and disposable cameras. I have taken very interesting pictures with both, many times, but it is a job within itself, needing to collect millions of bytes of data, thousands of pictures a week. So one really needs a job to support the 'flowery flourishing' hobby, that will one day bring earnings. Of course the same is true, that I could take pictures, to 'wait' for the right moment, instead of taking many, and then sourting through them looking for the right ones, I am so damn impatient, but impatience is the revealer of the perception one has of its value, this impatientance. Wanting as we do, to gain enjoyment for our being, through the many things of enjoyment that we yearn for. We always fight with ourselves this way, conjuring guilt for wanting things in which brings joy, and satisfaction in life, even though knowing that life is not what it seems, but not denying this within, for it is worth more than letting doubt and fear blind good that would then exist. I need to make so many changes that I have forgotten which ones needed to come first, and it seems it would take a liftime to produce anything at all.

Monday, January 09, 2006

I love you Joeseph.

My youngest brother, a reflection of my former self. Your soul earnest, yet still wayward, waiting the time to fly from the branch. Is it so really that this will comfort, or lose you ever more, time will tell. Your heart good, though bad it has seen. Although you still deceive with word, what 15 year old does not at times, I did. I believe in you, and hope for your life to be at peace; and yes peace can be without it existing externally, though finding it might take time and perseverance, it is well worth it. I love you yes, for you shared the womb I warmed for you, and grew in the same woman as you, that no one can change. I welcome the aging of you, even though we might be apart you exist with me, for the simple fact of being me.

The two man-dogs.

Since childhood I have been a person to turn my cheek. It has always been much more than I simple gesture though, it involved my entire being. Others would, and could do whatever they liked to me for they knew I would never stand up for myself, let alone stand up for myself in a way that would prevent them from doing this again. In reality I did not have a grain of self respect, and any feeling of worth that would incite such respect. However, things have changed. I have had this ' respect ' for myself for a while now, but still continue to shield transgressors, transgressors of myself and people I care about from the wrath of my being. Many probaly shrug of this, for thinking of the little boy I used to be, and that I am no longer. For 28 years I have taken other peoples words and actions, inhaling them in, and then out of myself without as much as a sigh, I was strong even though appearing weak, and only the truly weak could not see this. However things are changing, and I am not as internally strong as once was. Anything a person says or does now that irritates my being I will refute, rebuke, and destroy if I have to, for I am tired from all the energy everyone has taken, and now it is my turn, and this will be carried out by righteous indignation; that is to stand up, and battle for what is right, especially when wrong is carried out to me or my lovedones. I hear your words, speaking of my imperfections, using this ploy as a weak rebuttal in favor of your wrongs. I specifically speak to Skeet Rogers, and Jack Patton. Two weak dirt crawlers that need to be pinched between the fingers. I have many years of observance on you Skeet, and Patton is a scumbag anyway, read the Llano news to inform yourself of that. I know that the both of you feel me, projecting through space-time to your location to give you pain. Be watchful for I am out there, and will appear when least expected, haunting your minds while you sleep. Push a little further please, and you will find you dont know me at all, and that your little presumptuous minds conceive in short measure who I really am. Go ahead, with your plans of ill-content, and find yourselves begging for mercy. I will not be overt, but hide in the clouds, devoting my entirety to making you miserable in mind and spirit, I will anathematize you; and do not think I dont know those workings, and your family to the ground, life will become dire for you, powers will follow you and your dreams at once, your bed you will loathe, for it will bring you no rest. Do you think my words are empty, I secretly hope you do, for the evil in me is rising to surface, and is looking for a vent to escape from. Your smugness, your apathy, your self-assuming thoughts, your presumed intelligence, the head on your shoulders reminds me of a pigs, I can see it, the bile and snot oozing from your snouts, as you look for your sloppy food to eat. You make me sick, as the rest of the likes of you. You are an abomination to nature and your species, and a man needs to get hold of you, to ' twist ' some respect into you and your thick brained retartedness, little sniffling maggots of men. I hope so that I will have a chance to show you a ' different ' side of myself, I do, and I do not ask for any forgiveness for feeling this way, and am liking much, my new found hatred of you. I will crush your spirit with word, mind, and body. I will inhale your essence as it drifts towards to clouds. People like you know that they can do these things like you do, for what is anyone really going to do about it. A well 'payed' lawyer will tie things up in court, and be finanicially unbenificial. Reason will not work for your minds are corrupted and vile. So what is left, the thing in which you think will not occur because you hide behind the law. Well let me tell you something, my blood comes from much justice, and bullshit was not tolerated, I guess you can say Im ' ole-school' in this way, and the time period in which I should have lived would have meant that you would be strung up from a tree is it not, for rustling livestock, and things pertaining to ranching carried a high penalty. Not too many years back the laws in Texas still being the old laws of lynching when justice was found on the defendants side, today however there is a cowardly justice system, so consider yourself lucky. However I on the other hand do not recognize the existing justice system to be dominating me, and do not adhere to it as a follower, for it is cowardly, and unhonorable. So yes, that means I will take justice into my own hands, and I think after all this time of letting myself be run over, that I can justly take make that choice, for I have earned it by my past. Consider this your ' public warning', for if you fuck with us any longer you will regret it, and remember what your grandfathers told you about the ' silent ' ones, and how they get when they are finally pushed over the edge, for those wise men where not lying, as soon you both shall see. Stay away, danger, explosive devices!!!, and Im not just some kid mouthing of, I do mean these words, and they will come back to me completed if they must, but that is up to you. You nasty pigs, I am hungry for some bacon. No I wont kill you, but will brake your legs, arms, jaw, and back. You both are fat, old, weak men, and should not be much of a problem. Skeet you need to take that cowboy hat off, you are not man enough to wear it, for a true cowboy eludes even your imagination. After all that we have gone through; that of which you only think you know as well in your imagination, you still want to destroy and cause havoc of my mom and us, keep pushing cowardly bitch, keep pushing, and I will push you, you have not met that ' me ' nor will you meet any other which will cause you so much fear. Dont cry, for this is what happens when a person acts this way, sly dog it is time for you to be put down. And there are others that have that deceptive glimmer in there eyes, I am watching you too, very carefully, even when you are alone I see you in my mind, feel your thoughts from afar, hold your fragile state in the palm of my hand, ready to tighten my grip. My patience and humility for ones like you is running out, and you are undeserving of it anyway, much of you out there are that way, but there are ones coming for you, dont worry, your time is coming. And this now stands as truth in referance to anyone, near or far, dont tread on me, for I can bite.